Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you?

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room; well I'm here with you...

I think we sometimes forget to empathize with what other people consider important. I might have just developed a heightened sense of awareness about this lately but it is something I have come to notice. I run into situations where people tell each other that they're feeling unhappy or down. Sometimes, it's me. At times, it's someone else talking in a group. But I've noticed two common responses (actually 3 but I've decided not to go into the third one).

The first response is one that I've always considered to be the most inane. Let's say I'm the subject/person in question. And I say something about how I'm unhappy or depressed. And then some genius pipes up, "Well, you've got a roof over your head and food on the table. Count your blessings man!" It's not so much that I disagree with this; I mean, yes, there is plenty to be thankful about when we really get down to the brass tacks. But the way people say this always makes it sound like you never have any excuse - ever - to be unhappy unless you're homeless and starving on the streets. If the point of saying that was to make me feel better, let me just say right now, it doesn't work. If anything, it makes me feel worse because now I'm feeling bad about feeling bad. I admit, sometimes, we forget about the good things we have going for us. But those cases tend to be rare. It's more likely that thinking about the good things we have going for us hasn't cheered us up. And while it might seem crazy to you that being thankful for the roof over my head hasn't made me cartwheel with joy, these are emotions we're talking about. There is no reason why we should "logically" cheer up. If we're unhappy, we're unhappy, no matter how unreasonable it might seem.

The second response is, I think, the most interesting of the three responses. And this one is far less unreasonable than the one above and the one I take the most kindly to. Sometimes, in an effort to cheer you up, people will say, "Things aren't so bad..." and follow it with some things that are legitimately meant to cheer you up. Sometimes, they'll even throw in the "If I were in your position, I'd be pretty happy." And even though I am criticizing it now, I do recognize that there is legitimate, kindly intent in those words. But sometimes, when people say this, I have to resist the urge to say "Yeah, but you're not me!" And when I say that, I don't mean to say, "If you were in my position, you'd realize it's not that great." Rather, I mean, "Things that are important to me aren't as important to you and vice versa," so while it's fully possible that YOU would be happy in my position, maybe that's exactly why I'M unhappy: you should be the one in my place. It's so easy to assume that everyone thinks like you that sometimes, we forget entirely. It's like when I tell people that I go crazy when I'm alone and they're like, "Well I don't know - I like to be alone sometimes," and I say, "Yes, but I DON'T." And then they just stare at me incomprehensibly like they're unable to fathom how I could possibly find alone time less valuable than they do.

That's a personal example but I hope it gets the point across. When I say that I'm unhappy about something, it irks me a little bit when other people force me to admit that there are good things happening in my life, without considering that while that might be true, I might not find the good things particularly important. And by the same token, the part of my life that's going badly might be a far more important facet of my life than the parts of my life that are going well. And I know, a lot of the times, we do it in order to try to cheer someone up. But people aren't going to be willing to listen to why they should be happy until they get the sense that you understand why they're un-happy. And until you empathize with them and make them feel like they have every reason to be unhappy, they'll feel like you're ridiculing them slightly, even if that's not your intent. At least, that's how I feel.

This, if I may take a minute to pay tribute to Grant, is one of the reasons why he's my best friend. Because as I have said many times, when people talk to others about why they're unhappy, it's not because they hope that someone will find a magical cure for their unhappiness. It's because they just want to feel like they're not being silly, ridiculous, or melodramatic for feeling the way they do. And in my experience, people seldom are. Just because they don't live their lives like you live yours doesn't mean that the things they consider important aren't every bit as important as the things you do.

I thought I'd take some time to write a "response" of sorts to Karen's post on calliagnosia. For those of you who are wondering what calliagnosia is, I'll just quote Karen's precis:

"[It is] a hypothetical agnosia called calliagnosia, a disability which renders a person unable to perceive aesthetic beauty in faces, and only in faces. In short, someone with calliagnosia would still be capable of admiring the glow of a beautiful personality, or the charm of a glorious pink and blue sunset; however, for example, one would not be able to perceive any aesthetic difference between the enchanting effects of a supermodel’s synthesized good looks, and the unfortunate asymmetrical face of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. To someone with calliagnosia, people were not any more or less aesthetically attractive based on their physical features."

So in short, someone with calliagnosia - which isn't actually a "disability" to be strictly accurate, since it's a kind of optional programming we can choose to have implanted in us, and not something we'd be born with - wouldn't react to physical beauty in faces. And the question is, do I think calliagnosia would be a good idea/thing.

Being me, I have two answers to this; one from my emotional side and one from my intellectual side. The good news is that they both agree with one another. But I thought I'd make the differentiation anyway. My emotional answer is that I wouldn't like calliagnosia because I like looking at pretty things - including faces. I like what I feel when I see Kristina, for example. And I enjoy seeing beautiful people in films. And I don't think being able to "appreciate" beauty, which is as far as calliagnosia would allow, is quite the same. I happen to like it when my brain releases happy chemicals upon seeing beauty.

So that's the emotional answer. And it's pretty straightforward. In fact, I'm rather inclined to believe that most people will agree with me on that point. I don't think people deny that beauty appeals to a base instinct and that we all like seeing it. I think even people who are in favor of calliagnosia will admit that it's not because they don't like looking at pretty faces. Now for the intellectual answer.

I don't like the idea of not giving yourself the option of demonstrating that you're better than your base instincts. One of the pro-calliagnosia arguments is that all too often, people judge others based on looks, and they judge others on qualities that have nothing to do with appearance. For example, the desire to get to know someone because that person is good looking. Or getting attention simply because you're good looking. In very brief terms, pro-calliagnosia says, it's not fair. It's not fair that people's personalities are overshadowed by something they have no control over.

My response to that is, no it's not fair. But the world isn't fair. And I don't think it should be forced into fairness. There are certain basic principles that I might be in favor of forcing upon the world if it was an option. Maybe if there was a way to make it so that we wouldn't be able to kill other humans or something. I haven't given the other side a whole lot of thought but I do know that unless something violates a basic human right, I'm not in favor of forcing anyone to abide by it.

Here's the thing. I believe that one of the greatest things about being human is our ability to choose differently in spite of what we want. It's what makes us unique. And I think we need to be able to choose NOT to judge people to show that we're capable of doing it autonomously. Obviously, the downside to this is that many people will still choose to judge by appearance. And it might not be fair, but I feel like people need to be allowed to make that choice. We need to be given the chance to do something worth being proud of, even if we ultimately choose not to. It's all very good to say, if the whole world had calliagnosia, then it'd be a happier, less judgmental place where people personalities would shine through...

But shine through what? Nothing. There would be nothing for our personalities to shine through. I think that calliagnosia would render us blind to more than just physical beauty. It would weaken the part of us that sees the truth in spite of obstacles. What if everything was interconnected? If we no longer have to exercise the part of us that discerns personality from looks, would it weaken the part of us that discerns a sleazy sweet talker from a genuinely honest speaker? Or would we have to invent a calliagnosia for that too? So you say that physical beauty affects the way we perceive someone's personality and thus should be eliminated. Are you planning on eliminating charisma? Our ability to sweet talk?

Yes, the world is a judgmental place. That is how it should be. I think it's important for us to be able to make judgments both because of, and in spite of. You could say that people "shouldn't" judge based on looks, but I could say that people "shouldn't" have that choice taken away from them either. Freedom and autonomy are perspectives and I don't think you can believe in them if you grant non-essential exceptions like "people shouldn't be free to judge based on looks". If we ever get to a point where people don't judge personalities based on looks, I think it should be because we've recognized that it's important and have made a choice not to do it, in spite of our inclinations. To me, that is fundamental to what it means to be human. But that's just my take on it.

I was going to post about something related to teaching overseas. But I'm going to save it for when I can think better. It has to do with a problem I might have teaching in Singapore and I want to be able to do it better justice than "I will miss white people and their culture" although that is, in a sense, the crux of the issue. More to come!

People need to stop preemptively defending themselves before they speak. Honestly...

"Ok, um, just so you guys know, I'm kinda sick and I didn't get much sleep last night and my dog died and I found out I have AIDS and I waited for like 20 minutes for the bus but it didn't come so I had to walk to campus and now my feet really hurt and I'm kinda out of it right now so keep that in mind, but I was just going to say that..."

Thank you. I will be sure to keep all those factors in mind while you make your statement. Oh wait, you're done? Sorry, I must have tuned out your voice halfway through your irrelevant preamble.

One of the biggest surprises I've had so far this school year is how much support I seem to have in practically every facet of life. I mean, one example occurred when I posted earlier about how the first week of being in Kingston (pre-move-in-day) had treated me much better than I thought it would. I had expected to move in, go to class on West Campus, and then pretty much do nothing the rest of the day. Instead, I got pulled into a circle of dons, some of whom attended teacher's college with me, and ended up having a great first week painting posters and preparing residences for frosh week.

Since then, it's really only been a week (though Teacher's College makes it feel like eons ago) but I've continued to feel that same sense of support, which has broadened to include the house on Beverly Street and some other people in the faculty of education (including professors no less!). And I've come to realize something...

I've realized that when you're constantly interacting with people who care about you - even if it's only to the extent of them making time for you - you never really have a "bad" day in the full sense of the word, even if something happens that gets you down or makes you unhappy. Because if you really think about it, we define our day to day lives by the things that leave impressions (which is why we don't include things like getting dressed and taking out the trash when we assess our day) and it's really only when you experience a bad impression, and nothing else, that your day truly becomes bad since that impression becomes magnified in light of the fact that it's the only thing to happen that impressed you at all. I mean sure, on occasion, something bad happens that affects you so strongly that you'll have a bad day, no matter what else happens (death in the family, a bad breakup, rejection, etc.) but I should hope that these things don't occur on a daily basis. For the most part, being able to look back on the day and feel good about spending time with certain people offsets the likelihood that I go to bed at night feeling like I had a bad day.

This seems particularly important in light of my somewhat emotional and romantic nature. The downside of believing in ideals and emphasizing the importance of immediate occurrences is that you are, more often than not, likely to experience things that bring you down. It's a part of me that I haven't been able to change. And I believe that this is why I went through a very unhappy state a few years ago. First, things happened that brought me down or made me unhappy... and they weren't tempered by the good and thus became magnified. Then I stopped caring about everything because caring about nothing seemed like the only shield against caring too much. Fortunately, a combination of Dr. Morrison and Katie managed to pull me out of that funk before it got too bad.

This is one of the reasons why friends are good. And people seem to be friendly to me lately. I don't really know why but it's making me feel alright about my life. So smile a bit more and take time to talk. Call up your friends and remind yourselves about why you made those memories. After all, it's not always about the success you have in life; it's also about why you were ok with the times you failed too.

For those who care about the status of my informal writing piece, it is in a bizarre state. Not bizarre if I explained it to you but I'm not going to write about it now (ask me in person if you want; I will most likely spill the beans). Basically, I write in 2 parts. The first part is chronological, the second part is episodic. So I started at the beginning and I'm working my way towards the end. But sometimes, I get brainwaves about stuff I want to happen later so I write it all down while it's still fresh in my mind and figure I'll find a way to integrate it into the story when it actually gets to that point.

Well, what has happened is this. The chronological part has come to a complete stop. I'm on the verge of the halfway point and I won't be able to continue until... likely the end of the year. Yeah, sad, but what can you do. On the other hand, though, my brain has been exploding lately so I've been writing episodic incidents. So you could kinda say I'm still working on it... but in spurts. And not in order. And I've technically still only reached less than halfway as far as the formalized story goes.

So far, Kingston has treated me better than I thought it would. There is something oddly relaxing about being on campus with nobody around except dons/other residence staff. Of course, this period is rapidly coming to an end... in fact, it's already come to an end. I don't know why there are so many first year students so eager to move in today when move-in day isn't until Sunday. Practically nothing's running, most floors aren't fully decorated, and there's no one to talk to unless you happen to know the dons.

Reduced to a blabbering fool by the same person on two separate occasions spaced 2 years apart. You know you need therapy when...